A Heart Breaking

Love entering

Nerves growing

Panic settling

Fear showing

Words attacking

Hands gripping

Palms sweating

Smile slipping

Eyes shining

Tears falling

Heart clenching

Almost stopping

Chest tightening

Pain streaking

Mouth gasping

Barely breathing

Heart breaking

Hollowness creeping

Darkness falling

Relief is fleeting

Why is it that people in positions of power over us think that they can control us, manipulate us, demand respect and trust while lying and cheating to get what they want? Maybe it’s ridiculous that it bothers me so much, maybe not…maybe it makes people look at me as though I am still a petulant, imbecilic child instead of an intelligent, open-minded, free-thinking adult. Whatever the case, I am tired of the constant manipulation and abuse of the trust and respect people think they deserve. I am a firm believer that you must earn respect. It should not be given freely; nor should trust, people must show that they deserve these things from me before I grant them that honor. For gaining the trust and respect of another is an honor and should be treated as such. It should not be taken lightly, and if it becomes apparent that someone no longer deserves either of these things I have no scruples with immediately replacing them with much less pleasant qualities.

Moreover, what is it about being older that makes people think they know better, that they deserve respect and that they are the ones who make the ultimate decision, especially now that I am an adult? Now I know there are certain situations, say between a parent and a child where the parent does get the final say on matters. That being said, it does not mean that the younger of those involved is necessarily wrong just because they are younger. If that line of thinking was always followed we would not have made it to the place in life we are now. What if someone younger hadn’t realized how wrong racism was, or what if the woman’s rights movement had never been put in place because the older members of society didn’t agree and decided that since they were older, they were right? More than that, what if we hadn’t separated from England to become and independent people and country? Things would continue to be run the same way as they had always been. We would be stuck hating the way the world was run but unable to do anything about it because virtually no one had a say.

In addition to that, why do people think that because they are older than me that they can control my life? Why does anyone but me have a say at this point? I am almost twenty four years old, not only am I old enough to make my own decisions and should be able to do so without scorn, but I have earned that right by making the choices I have to get to this point. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, but I am intelligent, and I have shown time and again that I am capable of making good decisions, so why should my opinions and ideas be deemed wrong? Why should I be stuck in my own dark ages unable to break free from the oppression of those who think they know better?

If people manipulate, control, lie, cheat and refuse to tell me everything that goes on, refuse to give me information that I not only need, but deserve, what can they expect from me? Why do they think they deserve my trust when they have repeatedly shown me that they cannot be trusted? Why do they think that because they are keeping information from me that I am inferior and that it makes me insubordinate and wrong because I do not fully understand? If you first deny someone water without explanation, and constantly offer them what they desire only to pull it away again, what can be concluded but that you first plant the distrust, then condemn them for refusing to believe anything you say, or take anything you may offer?

Now I know that people like to think they understand me, but hardly anyone does. Everyone’s minds work differently, everybody processes things differently, and no one experiences things exactly the same way. When people tell me they understand and try to trivialize my pain it irritates me to no end. You do not understand everything. Maybe you can understand to an extent from your experience in certain situations…but you do not feel exactly what I feel, you do not know what is going on in my head or my heart. Don’t presume to think that you understand me. Don’t pretend that by saying you understand you can somehow show me that I am the one being unreasonable.

There are few people I trust and respect, there are few who deserve it. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so. Does this make me a cautious person? Absolutely. Does this make me wrong? There are many who would say yes, that I should respect my elders, that they are older and wiser and they may be able to give me insight, I do not agree. Most of my “elders” are narrow-minded, prejudiced, bigots who have not come far enough on the evolutionary scale. I have no time or tolerance for people who think that I am wrong in my opinions or beliefs. If they have a difference of opinion, that is fine, it's life. But a differing opinion is a far cry from outright telling me I am wrong. I believe what I believe, if you don’t, fine. But don’t you dare have the audacity to tell me I’m wrong.

I am so tired of the way people treat me, and because of that I refuse to give respect blindly. Nothing will ever change that, just like nothing will ever change the fact that I am an opinionated, slightly irritating and often short-tempered person. However, in spite of all those things, I believe I have the right to trust and respect whomever I choose, whenever I choose and without others telling me who is worthy of it. I choose for myself, I always will. And I am going to say now that if anyone thinks they can change that about me, you are sorely mistaken and will probably lose what respect I may hold for you by trying. And now…once more into the fray.

Things I do too often...

Saying "Do you know what i mean?" Though, there is a logical reason behind saying it as often as I do. First of all, people don't always understand, and that blank look they get when they're trying to figure out what to say to make you think they understood bugs me, so I ask them if they understand. It simplifies things. Second, when people just stare at me, even if the do understand what I'm saying, it drives me nuts. Why aren't they responding to me???? So I ask them to get them to say SOMETHING, even if the common response is just "Yeah."

I quote TV shows and movies ALL THE TIME. In person, on facebook, on twitter, in e-mails, in texts.... I like quotes, and I can apply one to almost any situation. Sometimes I keep it inside because, well, who needs someone applying a quote to EVERYTHING? I hope that doesn't bug people too much when I do it.....

I read fanfiction on my phone. It is seriously ridiculous. I spend way too much time doing it. I should stop....but I probably wont. Eh, I still read other stuff and I still have a life, so it's okay right? Right?

Check the doors. I check doors to see if they're locked. All the time, over and over and over and over and over and over and....okay, you get it. All doors though, not just the front door to my house. No, the sliding door too, and the bathroom door, and the bedroom door(when we sleep with it shut).

Sing at the top of my lungs with the music blasting at a red light, with no regard for anyone around me. I probably annoy the crap out of people....

Ask "Do you care what bills?" Also, saying "Have a nice day."

Watch Friends. I mean I love it, and it's entertaining, and I'm not hurting anyone. But I watch it every day, that's a lot.

Randomly break out into song, sometimes they're songs of my own creation.

Tweet. Oh my gosh do I tweet too much. The ability to tweet from text has made it worse. Haha.

And last, I talk with my hands. This one, I was not aware of, I know I do it sometimes, but my sister is the one who told me that I do it a lot. :)

The Piano

The bench is soft but strong as you take your place

The keys cool, hard and unyielding under your hands

You take a deep breath and begin

The music wraps around you, comforting you

Letting you know its okay to let go

Everything you feel flows through your body,

Through your arms and your hands

Every fear, every heartbreak, every tear shed

Every hurtful word thrown at you,

Your frustration, your anger

And every unfulfilled dream

They twist and wind, blending with the music

Creating a haunting and beautiful song

Filled with everything you have ever felt

It fills the room, overwhelming in its intensity,

Flowing freely, weaving intricately

Bulding and building

Threatening to consume all around

Until at last the final note sounds

It dissipates

Leaving nothing but tears in your eyes

Trembling hands

And hope in your heart and soul

Age Old Cliche's

This is not one of my regular happy, fluffy, uplifting posts, please be aware of that. So let me apologize in advance, I am having a bad day, bad week…..bad month, and this post reflects that feeling. Anyway, please forgive me for how uncharacteristically pessimistic this is.

In my line of work, you try your hardest to make sure the member/customer is happy, that there account is all in order and that all of their questions are answered. However, after 3 and a half years of answering the same questions to the same people, and them telling me that what they say HAS to be correct, because, after all, THEY are the member, not me, my opinion and attitude towards this has changed. Infuriating, frustrating, oblivious, and dense are just a few of the words that pop in my head when dealing with said members. And I can honestly say that after almost 23 years on this earth, and hearing the same old cliché’s I officially disagree with a good portion of them. First and foremost;

The customer is NOT always right.

They are not always right; they are not always entitled to some sort of special treatment. Everyone thinks they are the exception to one of the MANY rules(LAWS) of a Credit Union. News flash, you ARE NOT! I don’t care if you have had an account here for 50 years, that does NOT make you exempt from filling out the proper legal forms to be sent to the government. And no, I will not, just this once, make an exception. You are not worth my job.

The early bird doesn’t always catch the worm.---- There will always be someone there earlier than you, and they will get the worm first.

Late is not necessarily better than never.----What if what you want to say is that you love someone? Okay, alone it’s not a bad thing, but what if the circumstances were complicated? If the person you loved was getting married and you stormed into their wedding ceremony and yelled “I object!” in front of all their family and friends, tell them you love them, only to have them say they really do love the person they are about to marry, and that they’re sorry. Not only did you get your own heart broken, and embarrass the person you love, you ruined their soon to be spouse’s wedding day. Sure there is the excuse that at least you know, but looking back, was it really worth it?

Ahhh, one of my favorites: Time Heals all Wounds….. I disagree, maybe it’s just because I’ve had an insanely crappy day, and I’m being cynical and pessimistic because of it, but I believe the saying should go like this:
Time Wounds all Heals--- Given time, every wound you have nursed and that has FINALLY healed, will indeed, be opened again by some circumstance or another.

Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust---- Now there’s a nice thought. When you die, you will dissipate into nothing….. It’s like you never existed. I don’t believe that, but some people do….what a nice sentiment.

It aint over, ‘til the fat lady sings----- Aww shucks, such a nice stereotypical cliché….. Of course this refers to Opera, people thinking overweight women are the only ones who sing Opera, not true…..Besides, I know there are DOZENS of better ways to say essentially, “It isn’t over until its finished.”

What's good for the goose is good for the gander------ What the Hell? Seriously people……………..enough said.

I love how people are constantly telling you to, Shoot for the moon! But, then the ever popular, In your dreams, comes into play. So dream big; go for what you want, but fat chance in hell you’ll get it.

Hope Springs Eternal-----------gag………….though for a totally different reason than you’d think…..

And now, here are a few of my more optimistic outlook on things:

Actions speak louder than words-----Now this one, I like. Sometimes you just need to SHOW someone how you feel, words don’t always convey exactly what you want them to.

All for one, and one for all---- If you do everything for yourself and nothing for others, then you will leave this world a selfish, unloved person who will be forgotten in moments.

There really is no place like home.---- Through everything, home is always a refuge. It’s someplace that I can let go, show the real me, and stop hiding behind the public façade. Home is where your family is, and despite the fact that I am not the easiest person to live with, my family is always there for me.

If you finished reading that, then thank you, and congrats, you made it through my tirade. May I just say now though, if you have an opinion and wish to share it, please do so in a non judgemental manner. If there is a comment that upsets me, it will be deleted. I don't mean to be rude, but as stated before, I am not in a good mood, and that will only fuel the fire.

I apologize if the previous opinions and statements offended anyone, it was not my intention, they are simply my opinions on the subject.

Influence

I'll never understand why people let themselves be influenced so much by other people when they know themselves what is right. It's different if you're unsure of something and people's comments and opinions can influence you, but really, some people don't know when to take matters into their own hands and do what they know is right. What THEY know is right and fair, not what someone tells them. People worry so much about images and opinions others have of the, that instead of doing the right thing, and having a few good friends, they do the easy thing, and have many fake friends. Losing the people who matter to you over the opinion of someone who you shouldn't give a damn what they think anyway, is asinine. Flat out. No exceptions.

"There are no easy answers, but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right."
-Ronald Reagan

"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
-Mark Twain

Time

Time moves.
It inevitably passes.
Sometimes quickly,
Sometimes slowly.
Time is lost.
Time is found.
Time changes.
Time heals.
Time is used,
And wasted.
Time dies.